Hey Unbreakables!
We’ve all felt it.
That quiet tension in our closest relationships; friendships, family, or romantic, the nagging sense we’re keeping score, tracking who gives more, who’s right, who’s owed.
Most of us learned this zero-sum game before we knew the rules.
But game theory, paired with Unified Meaning Theory, illuminates a better way: where competition becomes collaboration, and relationships help us grow together, not become resentful.
The Problem with Zero-Sum Relationships
Zero-sum relationships—where one person’s gain comes at another’s loss—damage more than romance. They erode families, friendships, and communities.
They fuel competition, mistrust, and resentment, leaving us isolated, even surrounded by people.
No one wins when we’re keeping score.
The Solution: Positive-Sum Relationships
Game theory studies how our choices shape shared outcomes. It shows relationships can be zero-sum—one’s gain is another’s loss—or positive-sum, where cooperation creates more for all.
Unified Meaning Theory (UMT), a framework for purpose and connection, shows relationships thrive when meaning is shared, not competed over.
How to Shift from Competition to Growth
Here’s how to change the rules in your relationships:
1. Share Suffering to Connect
Hiding pain or comparing it fuels distance.
But sharing struggles invites loved ones to support us, building trust.
Example: Instead of saying “I’m fine” when work overwhelms us, we tell a friend we’re struggling, and they listen over coffee, strengthening our bond.
2. Align Purpose to Unite
Clashing goals make relationships competitive.
Understanding what matters to each other—whether as friends, siblings, or partners—lets us pull together.
Example: A brother and sister who’ve drifted apart ask about each other’s dreams and plan a joint trip, supporting each other’s goals.
3. Play for Abundance
Instead of asking, “How do I win?” ask, “How do we grow?”
Instead of proving we’re right, seek to understand. Instead of keeping score, celebrate wins.
Example: When a friend shares a promotion, we resist comparing and plan a celebratory dinner, sharing their joy.
Your Challenge to Grow Together
Positive-sum relationships don’t just strengthen bonds, they expand our lives.
They give us friends who steady us, families who love unconditionally, and communities where we belong.
The best relationships aren’t where someone wins; they’re where we all grow.
Your challenge today:
Where are you keeping score with someone you care about?
What’s one choice to stop competing and grow together?
Try this: Ask someone close, “What’s one goal you’re working toward?” Then explore how you can support each other.
Because the only game worth playing is the one where we all win.
Yours in Strength,
Danny